THE FRIEND-ZONE

Close to the male heart, the topic of the Friend Zone sends the average man into a state of defence and heartache. According to the Chicago Tribune, the ultimate Friend-zoned male is:

He performs occasional “manly” household and automotive favours for the person of his desire. Essentially, he does everything a boyfriend would do – without the benefits.

Okay, okay. I can understand why, in an ideal world, one may not want to be placed in the constraints of celibacy. Not to worry I say, there is still hope! I don’t believe that the Friend Zone is completely impossible to escape. It is important to note that there are variations of being friend zoned. This, in turn, will determine your ability to evolve into the stud-muffin you aspire to be.

The Hat – Used to keep warm, you are great company for a cuddle. You can look incredible at formal events, and let’s face it – the both of you look good together. The only thing is, like a well work pair of Oakley sunglasses, you never get past the face.

Chance of escaping the Friend Zone: Minimal. You are practical and can look suave, but aren’t exactly essential.

The Boxers – You are excruciatingly close to contact with the groin, but never quite make it. Often you experience the ‘hand slap’ away. More importantly, you are never seen in public, and usually only needed for a day at a time. Oh, and you may smell.

Chance of escaping the Friend Zone: Nil. Depending on how you look at it, you actually have it quite good – you can get lucky, and don’t have to commit!

The Wallet – Used for material assets, you are the most sought after Friend Zone specimen. When required to cough up, you are teased with contact of a derrière or an inner thigh, only to find that once the purchase has been processed, you are right where you started off to begin with – your left hand.

Chance of escaping the Friend Zone: Not bad. Although you’re not Prince Charming, if you are able to look after yourself as well as a possible partner, you are worth sticking around for.

I will say one thing. Guys, it is all to do with timing. Be patient, as hounding your desired lover is not cool, and will just allow the calm, collective contender across the coffee table to swoop in while you catch your breath. Until you have broken free of the Friend Zone, prepare yourself for these:

“I would love to be your partner, but you’re like a friend to me.”
“It’s you, not me…I mean it’s me, not you.”
“So, what’s your mate like?”
“We’ve been friends for a while, I wouldn’t want to ruin what we have.”

And finally, the one that never makes sense to me.

“You’re too good for me.”

Guys, you can do it. After all, Ross did get Rachel.